So me and my brother were fresh out of high school, maybe 19 and my dad was helping us pay for rent in a fairly expensive area. Money got tight so he requested we get a roommate to help out. Of course, being 19 and having our own place we didn't really want to have to share with some stranger. Eventually, my dad got mad at us for dragging our feet and gave us a deadline. Sooooo a couple Craigslist responses later we had our dude. Let's call him Dave. Because his name was Dave. Dave was a bigger dude from North Carolina (whom my friends not-so-lovingly nicknamed 'big d' during a drunken party at the apartment) who constantly had a huge pile of trash in his passenger seat and loved to make sweet tea. Always kept his head shaved. So he kind of looked like a gigantic baby of a man. It didn't help that his teeth were on the smaller side. Imagine a giant man with a big grin and little teeth. I don't know, but it was sort of odd looking. He was seemingly a nice guy. Kind of awkward and wanted to study Asian studies. (he once told me that egg rolls were Japanese, the fuhhh!? . Study harder broooo) That being the reason he moved to the bay area. All in all he had not raised any red flags, and I could dismiss all the aforementioned oddities.
Any who the first(not so obvious) problem. My brother and I tried hanging out and bonding with him. Took him to our favorite tea place and chatted. He weeaboo loved it. Our friend told us afterwards that he saw Dave's nut sack during our jaunt into the wonderful world of milk tea. Uhhhhh what. How. His jeans seemed to be new, but there was a hole cut right in the crotch area when he could let it all hang out. We thought, maybe, since he's on the bigger side. There's a lot of crotch wear, a lot of rubbing and wear going on. Possibly creating a hole. Subsequently, your nuts fall out your pants. Now, as to why he wasn't wearing any kind of underwear.. Who was I to judge a little freeballin!? Not too crazy, so we dismissed it.
The second problem came with an alarming knock at the front door in the wee hours of the morning! Who could that be at such an hour? The police! Oddly enough, Dave was already up and at the door breathing heavy. Glasses getting foggy,loudly he booms "hold on, I'm putting on a shirt" (bad choice of words as you'll see. He was already dressed as well which made it even more strange) He urged us to go back to sleep. The police were not about that sleep life. They made us all file out while someone behind a bright light took a look see at us. They ended up cuffing big d and putting him in a car. Very puzzled and seriously thinking we should have screened our applicants a tad bit better we shuffled off to bed to catch what sleep was left in the early AM. Me and my brother found out that they were looking for someone who had flashed the garbage man. Fucking weird. Dots start connecting. We, for some reason, (money, definitely the money) let him back once he made bail.
The third and final problem was a slow burn. He had gotten used to taking these long showers (when California had that good good water level nahh mean) and I said something about it. Because there was undoubtedly some instance that I needed to use the restroom and ,hey, he needed to be more conscious of the time. He then protested by NEVER SHOWERING. For like, a month straight. He always sat in the same spot on the couch in the living room. Ruined that couch forever. If you could bottle a healthy amount of B.O. and pour it ALLLLLLL over that corner. That's what it smelled like. The thing was he didn't say anything about his silent, retch inducing protest. We just sort of, found out. Passive aggressive comments about bathroom usage was peppered into conversation. The tension and stench was so thick in the living room you could feel it. My brother and I had regular schedules while he came and went whenever. Not entirely sure what he did or if he went to school.
So I come home one day, to the living room ransacked of my Xbox, all the games, dvds, a couple shoes, and a stronger stench lingering in the air. He had bleached our couch. Which looking back at, was for the best. (Oh, back track! He had also changed the lock to his room. Which was now, locked.) Called the police and filed a report. Nothing came of it. It was one of the first times in my life where I realized, not all justice is served. What a huge bummer. He had some other violation of streaking on the east coast filed as well. Maybe that's why he left? So we get a hack saw and saw the knob off. His room was completely emptied of his things. Except for some furnishings. He had blacked out the window with a sheet. The room smelled of mildew and big d disgustingness. And a single piece of paper left. It was a promotion flyer for a gay club in the city. We had no idea he was gay! Not that we had any problems with that. But it does explain the lingering looks at my brothers bare chest, post shower. We never found him or got any justice. But was glad to get him out and have my room back. Disinfected that place like crazy before sleeping in it again. Worst roommate ever.